Depressed Rambling #1
Jan. 9th, 2012 02:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
truebluehorrorI'm a kind of depressive guy. And because I'm a depressive guy, I ramble about it a lot. Usually, I do this on plurk, but because I'm so much of a whiner, and because the people who have friended me here have essentially outed themselves enough and implied they want to see what I put in a journal, I'm going to try and contain a lot of my whining to here from now on. I'll at least have the decency to put my bullcrap behind a cut so you don't have to see it first thing, and I'm going to try and keep these rare, but I don't really make any promises on that because my mood is like a fucking tsunami.
Alright here we go.
I think a big problem with me by this point is that I still don't have enough respect for myself. I know where I want to go, and I've proven in a lot of ways that I'm capable of doing good work, but I'm rarely in a state of mind where I think I can go where I want to go with things. And it drives me nuts, and because it drives me nuts I have to make other people nuts.
In terms of real-life, I think it has to do with how viciously I was told I needed to succeed at everything and how failure was never acceptable. Hell, one time when I got a B on a particularly hard test in fourth-fifth grade or so and the teacher wrote "great job!" on my test since I got one of the higher scores, my mom responded by writing a note to the teacher about how a B was never a "great job". And that kind of mindset, that I have to do killer at everything, also instilled a sort of belief that nothing I ever do is good enough. Even if I succeed or go beyond what others can do, I never conceive that as a victory or as having been good enough, as much as I'd like it to be or as much as it objectively is.
It's this kind of vicious cycle, moving between incredible pride and massive amounts of feeling like I haven't accomplished anything.
RP-wise, I think I'm terrified of the fact that I perceive everyone else as better than me, and I tend to jealously look at things to judge myself on. Do other people get more comments? Do other people get more consistent CR? How often are other people mentioned favorably on things like anoncomm/ect? Really, it's a pretty unhealthy mindset to have in regards to something that's meant to be pretend fun times on the internet, but I have a natural competitive edge towards others due, again, to examples of how my mom raised me to be as shown above.
I need validation constantly, in a lot of ways because I keep failing to give validation to myself. And I don't deny that's some annoying shit. But I can't help it: I feel like I need to hold a standard of how other people act/interact/play as a means to judge myself because I feel I must be doing something wrong all the time if left to my own devices. I worry, a lot, that I've become boring and dry in my RPing and have proceeded to run people off, which I guess is a big reason I've chosen to make this a journal entry rather than anything. I know I'm a relatively petty whiner, but I just need some means to get rid of these feelings in, while not necessarily a constructive way, a way that allows me to air them as I'd otherwise go insane.
I'm also worried that I fail to be interesting as a RPer, while simultaneously being overdemanding. I feel that I'm both boring and a taskmaster, and those aren't good behavior traits to have.
Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. Thank you to those who read through this.
Alright here we go.
I think a big problem with me by this point is that I still don't have enough respect for myself. I know where I want to go, and I've proven in a lot of ways that I'm capable of doing good work, but I'm rarely in a state of mind where I think I can go where I want to go with things. And it drives me nuts, and because it drives me nuts I have to make other people nuts.
In terms of real-life, I think it has to do with how viciously I was told I needed to succeed at everything and how failure was never acceptable. Hell, one time when I got a B on a particularly hard test in fourth-fifth grade or so and the teacher wrote "great job!" on my test since I got one of the higher scores, my mom responded by writing a note to the teacher about how a B was never a "great job". And that kind of mindset, that I have to do killer at everything, also instilled a sort of belief that nothing I ever do is good enough. Even if I succeed or go beyond what others can do, I never conceive that as a victory or as having been good enough, as much as I'd like it to be or as much as it objectively is.
It's this kind of vicious cycle, moving between incredible pride and massive amounts of feeling like I haven't accomplished anything.
RP-wise, I think I'm terrified of the fact that I perceive everyone else as better than me, and I tend to jealously look at things to judge myself on. Do other people get more comments? Do other people get more consistent CR? How often are other people mentioned favorably on things like anoncomm/ect? Really, it's a pretty unhealthy mindset to have in regards to something that's meant to be pretend fun times on the internet, but I have a natural competitive edge towards others due, again, to examples of how my mom raised me to be as shown above.
I need validation constantly, in a lot of ways because I keep failing to give validation to myself. And I don't deny that's some annoying shit. But I can't help it: I feel like I need to hold a standard of how other people act/interact/play as a means to judge myself because I feel I must be doing something wrong all the time if left to my own devices. I worry, a lot, that I've become boring and dry in my RPing and have proceeded to run people off, which I guess is a big reason I've chosen to make this a journal entry rather than anything. I know I'm a relatively petty whiner, but I just need some means to get rid of these feelings in, while not necessarily a constructive way, a way that allows me to air them as I'd otherwise go insane.
I'm also worried that I fail to be interesting as a RPer, while simultaneously being overdemanding. I feel that I'm both boring and a taskmaster, and those aren't good behavior traits to have.
Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. Thank you to those who read through this.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 02:02 am (UTC)I don't know if it helps, but I constantly just have to tell myself to loosen up. Que sera, sera. It's not the end of the world if I do poorly on a test, if I fail, or even if I'm kicked out of my studies. There's always something else out there. My goal now is to just be able to be happy with myself. Like you said, being satisfied with yourself is the most important of all...
But since validation from other people is always great, let me just say again that you are a stellar writer and roleplayer. It's always a joy to play and plot with you. You have great ideas, and it's so much fun to be able to be your writing partner and friend. =)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 04:52 am (UTC)It does help. Really, I think it always helps just to know that, in some ways, you aren't alone, no matter where or how you hear it from.